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Shouting into the void

Sep. 9th, 2014 | 04:05 pm

I wonder if there is anyone at all reading these any more? Probably not.

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I was going to whine about something...

Sep. 4th, 2014 | 05:19 am

...then realized that I probably shouldn't. *sigh* So I'll whine about something else instead.

You know what sucks? Knowing that you can never have a one-and-only. Ever. The closest I'll ever come is Oni, and I do love him so much, but he's hardly even a person, he's just a fragment of me. Like I'm a fragment of Steph, and that's why I can never have somebody outside my own head. What would I have to offer them? Nothing, I'm not even real.

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Apr. 25th, 2014 | 05:01 pm

Today is one of those days when I can't get my mind off of past pains. I've been so badly hurt sometimes, mostly by people who never meant to hurt me, which almost makes it worse. I can't hate them for it. I can't just say "Yeah, so-and-so who said the thing four years ago that still stabs me right here today is a bitch" and dismiss it. She's not a bitch. I don't think she even has any idea that she hurt me. I brushed it off at the time, and I've barely spoken with her since. *sigh* I probably should try to just take my mind off of it. Easier said than done though.

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Jan. 14th, 2014 | 06:00 pm

Apparently the thing needed for me to come out of a month+ of hibernation is for Steph to try out cosplay beards. As usual, our shared subconscious is as subtle as a brick. "Oh, this is a guy thing! Guy thing! That means Aidan! Here!" *subconscious hepfully pulls Aidan out of the aether and presents him*

And now I'm picturing our subconscious mind as some kind of half-sentient puppy. Friendly and helpful and not particularly bright.

Only sometimes though. Other times it's the dark sea that lies beneath our entire world, half-glimpsed through a scuffed crystal floor. It is still often impenetrable and strange down there, and there are vast shapes swimming in it.

But yeah. Other times, it's the puppy, definitely. And it piddles on the floor sometimes too, if you want to over-extend the metaphor, when we have those stupid stress dreams. Yes, we KNOW already that we worry about Steph's mother judging us and about work and about failing at things. No need to spray that everywhere, please.

Okay. Uh. I'll stop there. Anyhow, I'm back again. *waves hi*

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A cross-post from elsewhere.

Sep. 19th, 2013 | 09:31 pm

Dark ThoughtsCollapse )

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This thing about depression.

May. 10th, 2013 | 04:29 pm


I just read this. It's pretty good. I don't *quite* connect to everything in it, exactly. But some of the things definitely. Very much definitely. Especially the bits about how it feels when somebody is trying to help you not be depressed. They say all these platitudes that might even be true, but they feel like total bullshit. When the only thing you can feel is emptiness, hearing somebody try to cheer you up by talking about the good feelings you *can't feel*, it seems like, well... This sums it up pretty well.


The thing that resonated with me the most though was this bit:

"The problem might not even have a solution. But you aren't necessarily looking for solutions. You're maybe just looking for someone to say "sorry about how dead your fish are" or "wow, those are super dead. I still like you, though.""

That is so true. I don't talk to my friends a lot about my depression. I think many of them have no idea how very depressed I am, sometimes. I talk here about it more than anywhere else, I think. But that's because when I *do* talk about it to my friends, I can tell that they want to help. They want to offer solutions. So they try to offer solutions, only the solutions don't work. It's not a problem that can be easily solved. Maybe it can't be solved at all. So I have this horrible fear that if I keep saying I'm depressed, and they keep wanting to fix it and failing, that they'll get tired of trying, and tired of me, and tired of the way I'm depressed all the time, and will stop being my friends. And that's what keeps me from talking about it all the time. I blog about it sometimes, since it's easier to just write it to nobody in particular, but in one-on-one conversations I almost never mention it.

And then there's this part...



That part.

I'm not suicidal. My personal situation makes it close to impossible. Physical suicide would also be murder, since I'd be killing my headmates as well, so I just can't. And I'm not in control of my brain enough to just will myself out of existence. One of us did that once. We even thought she succeeded for a while, and it was a little bit weird and a little bit sad, and a little bit scary too, but then she gradually came back. The same subconscious needs that had created her in the first place re-created her again.

But even though I'm not suicidal, exactly, there are days when I want to not exist. I want to go away, to stop being so that I can stop feeling the things I'm feeling. Some days there is a gaping emptiness in the middle of me, and it seems at those times like the problem is not the emptiness so much as the "me" surrounding it. If I went away, it would be so much easier.

I can't even see a doctor about it. Because honestly, what kind of reaction am I going to get to "Hi, I'm this body's imaginary friend and I kind of want to commit suicide and go away, which is what I gather you guys think is the right 'cure' for people who say they have voices living in their head anyway, but can you please help me not want to do that?" People with DID are supposed to want to integrate. People who hear voices are supposed to want the voices to go away. What kind of psychiatrist would believe we have this condition and work to perpetuate it rather than to cure it?

Hell, I guess if I really were suicidal, going to to a shrink would be the thing to do. But... I don't think the others would let me go. So I get to just soldier on somehow, and hopefully things will get better again.

Anyway, I just read that today, so I decided to talk about it a little. Hopefully I haven't been too depressing.

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Coming and Going (long)

Dec. 28th, 2012 | 01:54 pm

I posted this elsewhere a while back, I felt like putting it up here too.

Coming and GoingCollapse )

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Constant Identity Flux

Oct. 17th, 2012 | 04:43 pm

Sometimes I think we just can't be happy unless we're shifting or changing our identity in new ways. For the last nearly two decades now there have been very few years in which we didn't have some kind of change in the formula of who we are.

Though it's not the classic teenage search for identity, exactly. We know who we are, we're not seeking to figure it out, discovering new things we never knew before, etc. Not *quite*. It's more just finding new things to try, new ideas that might work, new fields to play in. And I guess it's probably healthy to change rather than stagnate, even as an adult.

All of which goes to say that I myself appear to be shifting a bit right now. I've been enjoying playing around on the net the last few days as a kitten. Specifically as a kittyboy, sort of anime style. I don't *think* this is going to spawn an entirely separate new person, but it's hard to say. For now it's an aspect, something like how I have my Aidan Darkangel side and my Aidan Rhiannon side. I've named the new one Aidan Sylvestris. :3 And yes, I'm writing stories about him, which is how I know it's serious! Though they're not stories I plan on publishing anywhere.

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*happy sigh*

Sep. 26th, 2012 | 05:15 am

Had a few of my favorite things tonight.

Chocolate? Check!

A session that has left spectacular bruises? Check!

About an hour of sitting around in a blissful endorphin rush? Check!

Three more hours of awesome intellectual conversation on a variety of subjects, once I'd come back to earth? Check!

I suppose it's possible that the day could have been better (still haven't fed, and am kind of sexually wound up now, so, er... Yeah. JJ may get pounced on at some point soon) but then again all that in one day might have been too much, I would explode from excess hedonism or something. :D So I think it's been about as good a day as I could have hoped for.

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Sep. 24th, 2012 | 08:53 pm

Me and my issues. Bleh. :P Right now I am craving blood again. I suspect it's just the stress from work combined with my fronting a lot lately making me want it. I last fed three months ago, which is actually pretty recent for me, I only feed a couple of times a year, usually.

It'd be nice if there was somebody local to me who was *into* blood like I am. JJ is happy to let me feed, but he's not actively excited by it or anything. I don't want to constantly be harassing him! Given a donor who enjoys it as much as I do I'd probably feed every few weeks, and that would be nice. As is, of course, my *needs* are more than met, but one always has wants in excess of one's needs!

Oh well. I guess nobody's perfect? :)

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